Storied By Josh

“We’ll only ever be just a little way apart. We’ll never be that far away from each other.”
She was beautiful in Mark’s t shirt on his bed when she told him that. The morning sun radiated off of her hair and she glowed and he glowed and they glowed.

The world glowed.

If only she was here now, he thought.

The airport was busy as all airports are busy with these people going here or there to work or play. Secret meetings and public occurrences. Distracted lives and focused meetings. Mark didn’t want to be here. But he dutifully walked to the luggage claim. He dutifully picked out his luggage. He walked to the taxi stand. He got in. The taxi driver took his luggage, dutifully. When he arrived at his childhood home he paid the cabbie and tipped, so dutifully. It was enough to make him sick.

His brother was smoking a cigarette out on the porch.
“Been a while.”
“Yup.” He said non-committedly.
“You smoke?”
“Not anymore.”
“Huh.” His brother raised an eyebrow. “You want one?”
“Yeah sure.” His brother gave him the pack and a lighter. He lit it up and stifled a cough.
“Mom’s a scene.”
“Of course she is.”
“Sami is too.”
“Of course she is.”
“How’s your old lady?”
“She left me.”
“I knew I liked her.”
“Yeah well maybe you should call her then.”
“Maybe.” His brother took a long drag and let it out slowly. Mark mostly held his cigarette in his hand.
His brother looked at his cancer stick and flicked it into the driveway. “Come in when you’re done.”
“I was thinking I’d leave.”
“That’d be the thing to do.” His brother said as he slid through the door. The door shut and Mark was standing there alone. He closed his eyes and took a long drag. He let his breath out slow and felt himself shake. The sun was setting against the lone mountain that stood over this valley like a sentinel. The trees stretched out before it and a river that cut through it. It was swift, the water itself seemed to not linger long. Beyond was a giant lake he had visited a few times. He hated it here and he told himself he was sorry for hating it but it didn’t matter anyway how he felt about it, he was here so that was that.

He flicked his smoke onto his brother’s truck windshield and smiled to himself. Then he went in.

When one was been away from their family there is a thing that is stretched but it isn’t broken. Not if a life is taken. Not if that person is on Mars, not even if that person is a murderer or worse, a saint. That thing stays with them and their family and to him it had been so stretched until it snapped him back violently.

He was in the middle of a meeting in Singapore when his phone rang. It was a cheap burner phone because he wasn’t very rich and didn’t feel like paying for a phone he would dispose of in a month when he moved back anyway. He noticed the number was American and answered slowly. It was his mother. When she spoke, he could hear an avalanche of emotions being held back by the straw dam of her will. She told him his father had finally succumbed to his stroke. She said the funeral was being arranged for next week and that he should be home for it and that she loved him and missed him and said she’d leave a bedroom open for him. He didn’t have time to reply before she hung up. He excused himself from the meeting. Called his boss in Sacramento and then threw his burner phone in the garbage.

He boarded the earliest flight stateside.

As he walked into the house, the thing that had been stretched settled onto his shoulders comfortably. His mother looked up from the couch and struggled to stand. She was on oxygen and the caregiver helped her up. “You’re home” she said as she stood with the dignity of seven long and painful decades on this earth. She hugged him and she began to cry. He looked over her shoulder at Sami and she mouthed hello.
“How you doing mom?” He asked.
“Oh it’s just this damn oxygen bottle” she said. She stopped and composed herself “It’s always in my way and it’s frustrating. Maria isn’t any help. She barely speaks English.”
“I speak English.” Maria said and offered him her hand.
“Mark.”
“Maria” Maria said. “Your mother has been talking about you coming home all day.”
“Just so we can get this damn thing started.” His mother said.
“I see.”
“But now that you’re here you might as well help your sister make dinner.” Mark looked over at his sister.
“I don’t need help, mom.”
“You’ll burn the veggies. You always do.”
“It’s alright I can help a little.”
“Damn right. There’s a room upstairs if you need it.”
“Thank you.” His brother took his luggage.
“Where are you staying?” Mark asked his brother.
“At the hotel.”
“Don’t get bedbugs.” Sami said.
“You know he will then he’ll be bringing them in here and I’ll never get any sleep.” His mother replied.
“I’ll go help in the kitchen.” Mark said and took his leave.
His sister handed him an apron. “For if mom comes in. Just stand there and don’t get in my way.”
“Fair enough.” He put it on.
“How was Asia?” She asked.
“Asian-ny.” He replied.
“I’ve been trying to get Dan to go to Japan but he can’t get away from his fucking garden long enough to go to a movie.”
“It’s definitely interesting.”
“I wanted to go spend in a night in one of those nasty love hotels. Show Dan what I could really do.”
“Oh. I’ve not visited one of those.”
“Bullshit.”
He didn’t reply.

They caught up as she cooked. His brother came in and opened a beer. He gave one to Mark and Mark said something about it being too early. His brother gave him a fuck you look and Mark drank it dutifully. After a couple of beers and Sami having whiskey, they were laughing like before and this thing was beautiful to him. It was as if nothing had changed except the presence his father, who in the past was always there to interrupt and put in his two cents. Mark kept looking for him at the table. He wasn’t there.

His mother never drank. She grew up in an alcoholic home and had seen the evil of men who used alcohol as an excuse. She swore it off until the kids grew up and then tried it once. After drinking half a bottle of wine, she boozily proclaimed she didn’t see what all the fuss was about. Then she fell asleep.
The next morning after half a pot of coffee she swore off alcohol for the rest of her life.

They ate dinner and his mother said grace. She talked about needing some things done around the house like she always did and just like when they were younger they looked around, hoping for someone else to volunteer. His brother was on his sixth beer and said he’d do it all dammit. If dad wasn’t around to tell them how to anymore well someone would have to fix it and by god he’d do it. He’d stand up to the plate. Mark laughed and told him to settle down, Terminator, and his brother replied that this is what we need to do. His mother touched his brother’s hand. He was still her favourite after all of these years. “You need to eat. Your wife can’t cook for shit.”
“Yes Mama.” His brother said.
Sami finally said she’d help organize the bathroom. Mark knew she only said that so she could sit in there and read dad’s old magazines that were piled on the toilet. After a few hours she’d move some things around and announce mission accomplished.

Mark didn’t volunteer for anything and his mother told him he’d need to cut the grass in the morning. “Living here ain’t for free.”

After dinner his brother brought in a brick of cheap beer and asked if Mark wanted to play the old game system. “For old time’s sake?”
He said sure why not and they dusted off the television in the spare room. The old system was in a box in the closet. They hooked it up and drank beers. Part way through the night his brother opened the window and shut the door. They smoked cigarettes drank beer and played the game until four in the morning. The last thing Mark remembered was his brother laughing as he won another game.

At eight the next morning Sami banged on the door. “Breakfast is on.” She said. His brother rolled over and found a half empty can. He drank out of it.
“You’re disgusting” Mark said with a head the size of the universe and just as heavy.
“Coffee don’t cut it.” His brother said as he took another swig. “Speaking of cutting. You better get out there and mow that fuckin’ grass.”
“Asshole.” Mark said and threw a pillow at his brother who knocked it away as he guffawed.

Mark stumbled into the kitchen. His mother was sitting at the table reading some book about god and his wonders.
“Do I have time to eat or do I need to cut the grass now?” He asked her.
“Ah to hell with that grass. Eat breakfast with me and visit. Tell me about your world travels.” Mark’s mother had him when she was still a child. She had missed out on things he promised himself he would never miss out on. She wore the bitterness on her vest some days but when he would call her she would always make time to hear of his stories. Her voice would have a mix of joy and sadness sometimes when he’d talk to her.

So he sat and ate breakfast with her. He told her about Singapore and the things they had there that she had never seen but in her dreams. Sometimes she’d close her eyes and he wondered what she could imagine. It would never be correct but that didn’t matter. If dreams were right they’d be reality, and what a disappointment life would be then.

His father had stumbled into life with a wife and child a mere year into adulthood and his marriage. His entire life was punctuated by tribulation and error. Triumph and victory. They had edged out a life here in the wilderness. They raised their children so much better than they had been raised and it had still fallen short in Mark’s vain opinion. His father could be harsh and angry. It had scared Mark when he was a child. Then in Mark’s teen years he had developed an anger too. He found his father pathetic and annoying. He ran away from home once. Then twice then three times. Each time his father would bring him home. The first time he beat him. After that he just walked in the house. Mark knew that his father felt there was nothing to do with him and have given up. That made him angrier. The day before Mark moved out of the house his mother, him, and his father had stood in a circle screaming at each other.

It wasn’t until Mark was an adult that he finally had the realization of what his father must have gone through. His father’s parents were high and gone all the time. There was no path for him. Desperate for salvation and a way forward his father found god. He lit the way for him and his father spent his life in servitude to a deity who was not just or fair but good in a way. To be that alone in the dark with a child and a wife just out of high school, who expected him to know the way…what a terrible nightmare.

Mark was alone at home in the evening when the thoughts of the vulnerability his father must have felt day in and day out hit him. He lay on the floor and didn’t cry but the weight that his father bore every day fell on him and he couldn’t rise for the rest of the evening. It was then that he realized how strong his father must have been. The father who had held his hand at the park. Who had chased him around with a belt at twelve for breaking windows. The father who kissed him on the forehead when he graduated with the rarest showing of love. Who, in his later life, had learned that spoken words were nothing and that sometimes a wise man must be quiet and let the foolishness of youth speak as much as they can. Whatever his father’s trespasses were against him they were forgiven long ago. It was Mark’s trespasses against his father that Mark had a hard time forgiving. His father hadn’t known any better until it was too late. Mark had known with every single one.

Mark had been sitting at the table quiet for a time when he realized his mother was looking at him with tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry.” He said. “I was lost in thought.”
“You look the most like him.” She said and she closed her eyes and sobbed and sobbed.

He was outside sweating the night’s beer out of every part of his body when his brother came out.
“What the hell did you do to mom?” He asked. Mark shrugged. “She’s been talking about taking us all to see shit I’ve never wanted to and how sorry she is for these things and every time she says…” His brother stopped for a second. “She starts crying.”
“I just ate breakfast with her.”
“Crazy woman.”
“Not like you though, right?”
“I’m no woman.” His brother said and Mark laughed.
“Funeral is at three?” Mark asked.
“Yeah.”
Mark looked his brother up and down. “You bring a suit?”
His brother returned the look with incredulity. “Yes, I brought a fuckin’ suit.”
“Does it fit?”
“I can get it on.”
“That’s…not the same thing.”
“Hell it’s got a tie and everything.”
“Fair enough.” Mark started the mower and again and went to work. His brother opened another beer and would flick cigarettes at him as he mowed. Mark would laugh and flick them back.
“Missed a spot.” His brother would say now and then. Sami came out and drank whiskey as Mark mowed. His mother came out and sat in her chair in the sun. Maria brought Mark some ice tea and his brother said something about how Maria was single and Sami punched him in the shoulder. Mark laughed and Maria blushed. They started carrying on and his mother sat in her chair and smiled.

An hour before the funeral started, Mark took a shower and his brother did next. He didn’t wait till Mark was out of the bathroom. He just walked in and Mark struggled to cover up.
“I’m not scared of your tiny pecker.” His brother said as he got undressed. “Help me with my damn tie when I’m out.”
Mark said okay and finished getting ready.

His brother came out looking sheepish and embarrassed that he needed help with anything ever. Mark didn’t say anything and they went back into the bathroom. Mark tied it around his neck first and then put it over his brother’s head. His brother turned toward the mirror and tightened it and Mark looked approvingly. His brother put his hands on the sink and looked down toward the faucet. He began to shake.
“Fuck him.” His brother said.
“It’s okay to cry.” Mark said.
“I’m not crying.” His brother said.
“It’s okay.” Mark said again
“Fuck it.” And his brother turned around. Mark reached out and held him and his brother cried into his shoulder like when he was a boy and had been stung by a bee. He cried and Mark didn’t say anything until he was finished and turned away. Mark looked down at his suit jacket. It had tears on it. Mark turned away too.
“Put some cologne on.” He said over his shoulder.
“All that’s here is dad’s.”
“Wear it then.” He walked out.

They pulled up to the funeral in the old car. His mother had demanded it. She didn’t feel safe in anything else. “Maria drives.” She had said. Both the boys started to argue.
“What’s wrong?” Sami said. “The patriarchy can’t handle it?”
That shut them up. They were quiet and Sami held her mother’s hand as they drove. Her father had been good to her. She was straight tom boy for the longest time. It didn’t help with two older brothers and it wasn’t until she was out of the house that Mark found out she liked to wear dresses. Why? He asked her. And she told him it was because dad liked her wearing dresses so she did but after she had worn a dress a few times she enjoyed feeling like a woman so she continued to wear them. He rolled his eyes. Her first date had left the house with a black eye and a peel out in his car. She tried to hit her father but he just knocked her hands away and laughed at her. Finally after screaming at him for a time she started laughing too and Mark didn’t understand what had happened but the second guy she brought home didn’t leave with a black eye. Instead he helped her father with the house chores and Mark wasn’t worried. A few years after that she told her father she was getting married to a man and her father cried one of the few times he had seen his father cry. He walked her down the aisle as a king would march beside his princess. He had silent tears as she and her husband kissed, and after that the boy she married and her father were inseparable. Neither Mark nor his brother ever forgave her husband for that. Mark’s brother tuned him up a couple of times and he didn’t come around much when they were home now.

Before they went in to the church Mark’s brother stopped to smoke outside of the church. Sami and Mark stopped with him.
“Smoke?” his brother asked.
“Not in my suit.” Mark replied.
“Why not.” Sami said. Mark looked at her, shocked. She didn’t say anything and took the lighter from her brother. Her hands started shaking and she couldn’t light it.
“Let me help.” Mark said.
“I’ve got it.” A voice said. Mark turned, it was her husband.
“Dan.” Mark said.
“Mark.” Dan replied. His brother stood there and shot holes through Dan with his eyes.
Dan pulled the lighter from Sami’s hands and lit the cigarette for her. She began to cry and Dan held her.
“This is gonna suck.” Mark’s brother said. Mark picked up a pebble and threw it at him. It bounced off his chest and Mark rolled his eyes. Dan held Sami while she cried and Mark and his brother stood awkwardly. She pulled away from Dan and held out her hands to Mark. Mark embraced her.
“I’m so glad you came.” She sobbed out.
“Of course.”
“I’m so glad.” She stayed in his arms for a while and then just as she started she stopped.
“I’m ready to go in, Dan.” She said. Dan took her arm in his and they left Mark and his brother standing outside.
“What the hell was that?” His brother asked.
“A woman preparing.” Mark said.
“Really?” His brother asked.
“Fuck if I know.”

His brother finished his cigarette and they walked into the church together. They strode across the foyer. “Of course we’re in the front.” His brother said.
“You know it’s our dad’s funeral, right?”
“That ain’t funny.” His brother said and then chortled.

The funeral was the same as any funeral. The pastor said these things about how god will bring us all to him in the end and if we don’t believe we will be lonely forever and Mark thought that it wasn’t so bad. He had plenty of practice with it. The pastor sang a song. He had been a longtime friend of Mark’s father. Everyone cried but Mark looked at his brother who was trying to stealthily drink out of a flask. Mark smirked and then started giggling. He couldn’t help it. His mother was beside him and elbowed him in the ribs. He looked at Sami and she had been crying but suddenly she was giggling too and they were in the ocean together and Mark tried to get back into the boat but every time he fell back in and Sami would laugh even harder and he felt bad so he looked at Dan and Dan just gave him a look of murder.

He finally stopped. The preacher asked if the family had anything to say. Sami and his brother looked at Mark. Dammit.

Mark walked to and stood at the podium.

“Thank you for coming today. My father was a man who forged his own way in life. He met a woman,” He motioned to his mother. “Who was a woman of the land here. He put down roots. He made something of himself. Some would say he could have been more, but to me, he was a Superman. When I was a child we would split wood together. I used to bet him he couldn’t carry five wood pieces and he would carry six or seven or eight. I would marvel at how he could lift me up higher than him. When I broke my arm he was there to hold my hand. I remember now…” Mark smiled and looked down. A tear fought its way to his cheek. “I remember he held my good hand in the ER when I broke my arm. My mother took my bad hand and held it even tighter.” Mark laughed and the people did. “I thought for sure she would break my hand too until he told her she was squeezing it. You know I remember that and I used to look for him in the planes in the sky when he would leave for work and I still look for him in the sky. Only now I know I won’t see him in a shooting star. I know I won’t see him in a plane coming home, and even though he’s Superman to me I know I won’t see him lifting a car to save a life. But that’s okay, because his parting gift was wisdom and love. These are things even the most average can give each other and he gave them to me more than I can ever hold. So like him we all are Supermen and women. And we must remember to give these gifts to each other.” Mark stopped and his throat felt heavy his chest was full and he barely got out, “I miss you.”

He sat down. His sister patted his shoulder. His mother sat beside him and then she took his hand. “I love you.” He whispered to her.

When the funeral was over they were to leave to bury his father in the cold ground, but his mother wanted a moment of time outside of the church so they stood there as a family.

His mother asked to sit down and a deacon brought a chair outside. She sat in it and Mark held his mother’s hand. She was beautiful and old and a saint now and he was breaking but didn’t know how to share it.
“You know.” She said to him. “You know, I was angry sometimes. When we had children and I couldn’t see the things you tell me about now. The things you see and the things you do. The things I felt like I missed out on. But the things he gave me are more important than the things he took away. And he didn’t really take them away. We gave them up for each other. He worked his hands to a bone to take care of you.” She waited a moment as the oxygen built back up. Her eyes were full of tears and with the strength of mountain climbers she continued. “If I had to choose it all again I would choose him a million and a million times. Because he gave me you and your brother and your sister. Those are more precious to me than anything else I could have done.”
He began to cry. She continued
“I just want you to know that it is okay to feel anger sometimes. But it is most important to remember that his parting gift was the love that will never come again, it was the love of a father.”
He reached his hand out to his mother and she held it.
“I’m ready to say goodbye.” He said finally and he wasn’t. We never are and no goodbye’s are ever worth a million hello’s and I love you’s but they can be just as important. We never know when we’ll get another chance to say it. Though we say we’ll never be far away eventually we’ll be so far apart that only the love we shared will bridge us together, and this is what makes us human and beautiful.
She held his hand tightly. He thought she might break it. His other hand grasped for something but it wasn’t there and inside there was a void.